Sometimes it’s ok to not be ok
Today I hung the curtains. It felt like an accomplishment.
When the fires broke out in LA, just over a month ago, we woke up at 4am to a bedroom full of smoke and the nauseating sound of houses exploding in the distance. It took us a moment to realize what it was… a haunting rhythm of thudding pops that I will never forget.
Our initial disbelief (“It can’t be that close, can it?”) quickly turned into panic as we ran outside to see a bizarre orange haze filling the night sky. We grabbed our passports, obsessively refreshed the fire app and ran from room to room, drawing a blank on what to take… “All of it matters! None of it matters!” We turned on sprinklers, hosed down the roof, checked on our neighbors, and cried as we watched houses just up the street go up in flames and a loose dog running for its life.
Looking back, it still hurts. Every morning, there is a foggy moment, just before I am fully awake, when it feels like it didn’t happen. And then I remember all over again, with a splitting heart, that it did.
We were so lucky that our house was spared. In the aftermath of the fires, returning to the ruins of our neighborhood has been hard. The panic and hyper-vigilance that propelled us through those first few days soon morphed into paralysis. There has been a lot of staring blankly. A lot of failed attempts to achieve the simplest of things. A voice inside my head started saying, “That’s ok. You can try again tomorrow.”
And that is how we have been inching forward. One day at a time. One moment at a time. One curtain at a time. Piecing our lives back together, cleaning up our sooty home, supporting friends who have lost everything, and trying to figure out how to live alongside the crushing weight of devastation and loss.
A few days after the fires, I dragged myself onto my yoga mat. I knew I wouldn’t be able to “do yoga”, but I also knew I needed to connect with the possibility of doing yoga, to dip my toe back into this amazing practice that has helped me through so many difficult times in my life, even as my whole being was saying, “I can’t.”
I laid down on my mat and cried. It felt good. It felt good to just lie there on my mat and be ok with not being ok. And I was reminded that the practice of “being ok with not being ok” is perhaps one of yoga’s greatest gifts. It is a practice of acceptance, of simply acknowledging what is coming up without judging it, and without trying to change it. And being open to what comes next. I hugged my knees into my chest and did a gentle twist.
So often we tell ourselves that we must or should “do yoga”. We have an idea of what we think “doing yoga” looks like. But yoga is whatever you need when you show up to your mat today. Some days you will get through the whole class with bells on. Other days you might need to skip poses and take more rests. But the most important thing is to keep showing up.
So, come as you are, lovelies. Release expectations and just show up. Bring with you whatever you are going through today - in all its messiness and glory - and watch it start to shift, the moment your bum hits your mat and you take that first breath.
Maybe you’ll just manage a gentle twist. Maybe you will stick your best plank ever. Maybe you will do nothing. That’s ok. You can try again tomorrow.
Painting by Allen Ramirez